Sunday, May 16, 2021

The Best of Boring James Milner

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While he may have a Champions League, more than one Premier League, a few FA Cups, a smattering of League Cups and Championship titles under his belt, ask anyone what comes to mind when thinking of James Milner and their reply won’t be midfield maestro, but ‘boring’.

What started off as a bit of tongue in cheek, has slowly developed into a reputation that follows the Englishman wherever he goes . The man himself has even embraced the account, from celebrating with Ribena drinks to measuring the individual grass of his lawn to trolling his own teammates, his digs have earned the account more than 500,000 followers.

So much so, fans often wait in anticipation of tweets from that account, be it after a loss, draw or victory.

So, in honour of his recent performances, we’ve listed the accounts greatest ever Twitter moments, beginning with the spat with the Reds ex-gaffer Brendan Rodgers…

5) The Bhoys Are Back

The return of Brendan Rodgers to the Premier League, leading the charge at Leicester certainly roused a response from Liverpool football twitter.

But as always, boring James Milner’s contributions were the pick of the bunch in what appeared to be a mock conversation with the Irishman.

Teasing out the rumour of Rodgers potentially recruiting Milner, the English midfielder toyed with the idea of Rodgers wanting him at the King Power, dubbing the entire conversation as a ‘really nice catch up’.

Textbook boring James Milner, eh?

4) Bayern Banter A La Boring

Aside from random tweets and teasing his mates, as a true Liverpool fan, the account would go amiss if it didn’t goad those who have found themselves on the other end of a Liverpool larruping – in this case, Robert Lewandowski.

The German forward was expected to cause the Liverpool back four defensive dismay, but as with many teams who faced up to Klopp’s men in the Champions League, he came up short.

In steps the Boring James Milner account to deliver us an absolute peach of a tweet. Not only did he big up his teammate, the rock that is Virgil Van Dijk, but also silenced those insisting Bayern’s forward would slay the Reds.

Nailing two birds with one stone, there is nothing more satisfying than a tweet like this from any account, but from the legendary Boring James Milner, the victory would’ve tasted all the more sweeter.

3) A Nice Cuppa To Calm The Nerves

Much like the real James Milner, our Twitter friend is not impartial to a cup of something strong – in this case, a brew and not a glass of Ribena.

Now, while other players might drink themselves silly or have a fancy dinner, our Boring James Milner loves to mock the on-field antics with a little online antics of his own.

In response to Manchester City’s slip-up at Newcastle, two sugar lumps and not the one was the perfect celebratory tonic for the Englishman.

Just the two, though.

2) Christmas Gags

Last Christmas…

…things went horribly wrong for Milly

But just two year earlier, he had a great time. I mean, just look at that haul of chrizzy pressies!

You couldn’t get any more Boring James Milner with a tweet of the kind that was posted from the account around Christmas last year.

We got an insight into Milner’s present list and the gag of his boring self.

With not a single Ribena in sight, there were plenty of teabags, slippers and shaving products – all teasing adverts the real Milner had featured in time and again for the likes of Nivea and Yorkshire Tea brands.

Who wants to bet that that £5 Holland and Barrett voucher was also spent on tea?

1) The Ribena Incident

Staying with the topic of liquid beverages, we couldn’t top the list of Boring James Milner’s best moments without mentioning Ribena, and the loving relationship blossoming between the two.

While the above tweet was in response to Liverpool’s recent miraculous 4-0 overhaul of Barcelona, the Ribena reference comes from last year’s semi-final win over Roma, and a post-match interview with the midfielder that would go down in history.

when asked how he would celebrate the safe passage into the Champions League final, Milner smiled and mentioned that he might ‘stretch himself to a glass of Ribena’ in true BJM style.

Ever since Milner and Ribena have exchanged back and forth banter, and who knows, he might’ve treated himself to two glasses making it to consecutive Champions League finals this year.

The Best Of Both Worlds

Just as entertaining as these online shenanigans have been, the real James Milner has shown that he’s not above some light-hearted banter in reading out the tweets that belonged to his namesake.

Not only did he read out the tweets, but assumed the tone and facial expression that you would associate with the phrases, sending fans and viewers into peals of laughter.

Who couldn’t imagine Milner standing in the middle of Tesco’s or Sainsbury’s tweeting and looking for his trolley token?

So while he may be boring, he definitely is a good sport.


That time the real Jimmy Milner really pushed the boat out…

…like you do when you win the Champions League!

Man For The Big Occasion

Where most people might celebrate important events or days with drinks, special dinners or get-togethers, James Milner instead measures eggs, inspects toothbrushes (as you do) and discusses all things tea-related.

Indeed, when the ex-England international watched his country play Panama in the World Cup, he paired the high-octane event with a mug of his own brand of brew.

Travelling to Italy for a Champions League semi-final? His suitcase contents were tea – again – and a toothbrush.

It’s only right then Milly should spend his weekends planning his tea rations – Yorkshire naturally!

But what to do when the tea has been sorted? Milner has the answer!

Nobody desensitises themselves from days of importance or thrill quite like boring James Milner eh?


James Milner
Milner celebrating Easter by channelling his inner ‘boring’ self and measuring out his mini-eggs


He’s even on LinkedIn

Ever the epitome of professionalism (and mediocrity), the Yorkshireman’s double can also be found on LinkedIn.

With over 500 connections, it seems fitting that his skill set lies in gardening and cooking, aside from football and penalty abatement.

You’ll know where to go if you ever need help with your tax, a few tips on how long to cook that steak, and what product to use to get rid of those pesky weeds.

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Boring Please

Could the real James Milner stand up?

Though he’s no slim shady, the midfielder channelled his namesake in a post-match interview after a 3-3 draw with Arsenal that saw the Merseysiders squander a two-goal lead.

Indeed, Milner called for his side to be a little more BJM in an attempt to maintain leads better in future games.

For surely a team of 11, James Milner’s would have kept the Gunners at bay, ensuring Jurgen Klopp’s men claimed all three points.

Sadly, this wasn’t the case. We could all learn an become better individuals if we were a little more boring. Right?

As Boring And Cliched As They Come

”James Milner gives boring, clichéd interview after Manchester City’s draw with Roma”

His reputation for being boring is so stellar that even the Independent couldn’t hold back in chiding him in a teasing headline surrounding his post-match interview after last season’s Champions League draw against Roma.

As with most experienced players brainwashed with years of media training, Milner gave the reporter the usual answers of ‘we need to ‘improve’ and ‘it was disappointing’.

Perhaps viewers and reporters alike were expecting something a bit more controversial and snazzy. Unfortunate, the, then, Manchester City midfielder channelled his inner BJM to rack up his account of infamous interviews.

Boring James Milner
The look of a man about to prattle on about the ‘gaffer giving him a chance’ and whatnot

We Need To Be More Boring

So, it turns out that boring James Milner on social media is just as boringly entertaining as the real-life Reds midfielder. And if anything else, we’re expecting him to continue with his cheeky and comedic ways, well into the future.

King Of The Lockdown

While most of us were instantly fed up with the 2020 lockdown, our hero the real James Milner thrived!

I mean, when else would he have found the time to wash his pebbles?

And homeschool like a boss #NoSlackingUnderMrMilner

But, when Liverpool finally put an end to 30 years without winning the league, no one captured the mood quite as well as the original, one and only, Boring James Milner himself.

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